So Big

The past six weeks or so have been busy.  Day to day life has taken on a new and tiring, but sustainable, pattern. Ezra has never nursed again (in reference to my last post).  I also never did get my good grieving cry session in--I kept holding out hope--and eventually the passing of time has eased the stress and sorrow of the situation.

I don't know how some moms do it.  Pump, feed, pump, feed, pump, feed, pump some more. It's an endless cycle that I am soooo tired of, and I've only been doing it for 6 weeks! However, I am determined to not throw in the towel just yet--I am striving toward the goal of his one year birthday before I wean him off of breastmilk.  In the meantime, I am trying to enjoy a bit more of the freedom that comes from having a baby who doesn't need me around to eat before bedtime or whenever.  Funny thing is, I feel more like a slave to my pump than I ever did to my baby!  I have a love/hate relationship with that thing right now...

Moving on.  In the last couple of weeks, I have been struck by how BIG my boys are getting. So old, so mature, so....funny.  I hear myself coming out of Isaiah's lips more and more, when he says phrases like: "Mommy, you need be more careful!" (with a big frown) And, "Mommy, you need give me more space." (as he comes through with his stool in front of the bathroom vanity.) And,  "No, Eh-ra, not for you. You not touch it."

Blackberry picking

He is remarkably polite, and it seems like each week he needs less and less prompting--coming up with please, thank you, and clearing the table all on his own initiative.

Enjoy a sour apple from the local tree

He is orderly.  Things have a place, and should be in that place.  On our way out the door to go somewhere he has been known to quickly run around the room throwing toys back into the toy box. "Need clean up, Mom!"  Our emphasis early on in his life of cleaning up after we're done playing is seriously paying off, even much more than I would ask.  Sometimes he will come out from his nap, see the table if I was working on something, examine it with a frown, wave his hand over it, shake his head and say "Messy. Need clean up."...with a look of utter disgust.  Yes, yes, dear one, Mommy will clean up her mess!

Daddy's days off are great!

He is also very affectionate.  "I need big hug" (usually said while crying) is his go-to response when upset, or when he gets in trouble.  I frequently get big hugs with a kiss and "I miss-ed you Mom"...even when I'm sitting at the table next to him.  His 'lots-of-kisses' bedtime routine for me is to gently hold my face with both of his hands, and kiss (very loudly) both ears, both cheeks, my chin, forehead, and lips. I will hold those sweet kisses in my heart forever.

Fun at a park with a water feature!

He can count to 10, and knows the names of most of the letters in the alphabet.  I was obsessing over his learning when he was 18-24 months, but now that he is at a good mental age to actually really pick things up quickly, I am sorry to say that I have been quite lax in dedicated learning time as of late. It is a goal for the fall to start back up again--he is a sponge waiting for information!

He also has great hand-eye coordination and dexterity.  He has impressive frisbee-throwing capabilities (the form! the distance! the coordination!), is so adept with a fork and spoon that he's basically ready for a formal table setting, and generally often leaves us looking at each other with mouths open--"Did you see what he just did?!?"--in an awed kind of way.

We think he is terrific. Can you tell? :)

And Ezra.  He was our big newborn, long and very scrawny 4 month old, and now average...11 month old?!  There is no way that he is almost one.  No way!  It feels like he should be 6 or 7 months old. Time has gone so quickly with my sweet boy #2.

We love to play with frisbees!

First of all, it is amazing how different two children can be coming from the same parents and receiving the same parenting from them.  I'm sure I will be pondering that the rest of my life.

Ezra is giving us the opportunity to hone our parenting skills. :)  I do not want to compare my boys to each other their whole lives, but in so many ways he has been different than Isaiah that we keep needing to figure out a plan B--what worked with Isaiah in his first year of life has definitely not always gone over well with Ezra.

Playing "Peek-a-boo" with his book!

Ezra is a charmer.  I can not go anywhere these days without getting 3 or more people stopping to wave, smile, hold his hand, pinch his cheek, touch his hair, and go goo-goo-ga-ga over him.  He soaks it all in and keeps encouraging them.  If I had a dollar for all the times I've heard "what a beautiful baby" and "he's so cute" from strangers in the the store, I could probably go for a massage and full spa day.  Of course, I completely agree with them!

I mean, look at this face! How cute is he?!!

He is a chatterbox and noise maker.  To sum it up - Ezra is LOUD.  He loves small rooms with great acoustics because it highlights his excellent vocal abilities--seriously, he does.  He typically cries at high volume..the level isn't actually based on the event, so it's not very reliable for telling how upset he is.  A small thing like getting his diaper changed or getting out of the bathtub (*gasp*-- the torture!) can turn his happy chatter into full blood-curdling screams, which always makes me wonder what the people around us think we are doing to our child. Really people, he's fine.  Really.

He was definitely exercising his vocal cords at the time this pictures was taken!

With his noise though also comes large amounts of giggling and laughing. I remember him being 10 weeks old and laughing hysterically for minutes on the couch while Andrew did something-- I don't remember what it was, except that it wasn't that funny!  And that we were amazed at how long he kept going!   Baby laughter and giggles in an incredible mood booster.  Seriously, have you ever tried to stay grumpy while watching a baby laugh or giggle? Try it. It doesn't work.

He loves adventure. Swinging, being tossed and thrown around, rides, loud machines, tunnels, animals, dirt...these are all good and happy things in his world.  I can see 'throw-caution-to-the-wind' being part of his personality as he grows up.

11 months old!

Ezra loves music, and loves to dance.  Loves. Often when I put on music in the car, I'll look back and see him waving his arms, shaking his head, and bopping around to the music--there is so much joy on his face!  Just yesterday he had been crying off and on for 20 or 30 minutes, super cranky, which is unusual for him.  He generally snaps out of cranky times pretty quickly. I finally decided to put on some music because I just couldn't figure him out.  Sure enough, he stared at the ipod dock for a little bit, starting bouncing on his toes...and wait for it....there's the smile!  He turned into a content happy child within one song. Incredible.

Brother time at the piano.  

At 11 months old, he has 6 teeth, and is currently working on cutting his canines. He cruises around on furniture, and will happily walk around holding someone's hands.  It's been really fun to see how Ezra, as a second child, picks things up faster by watching his big brother.  Things like - how magnets work and where they go, where the doorknobs are and what they do,and how to drive Hot Wheel cars around making noises.

Watching his kitty play in the dirt - 11 months

We feel so incredibly blessed that God has entrusted us with these sweet boys.  Such a gift.  Such a responsibility. Such a JOY.

Isaiah said, "I want hold Eh-ra on my lap".  Little brother is getting big!

What an incredible blessing these two are to us!

The Strike

Where to begin.

There are some days in life that seem to define periods of time--the before, and the after.  While as time passes, this will probably not be that momentous in the grand scheme of life, but for now, Thursday July 24th, is that defining day.

The day of when before Ezra was nursing, and the after of when he wasn't.

I didn't think I was so attached to our nursing relationship...turns out I was wrong.

I feel like I am grieving the loss of something beautiful and precious. It has not been an easy road with him and his digestive problems earlier on, and the perseverance and love put into nursing him has made it very valuable to me.

Right now I don't know how to be Ezra's mommy without nursing him.  It's scary. It's intimidating.  Bottles and pumping and formula are all so rarely (if ever) used in our house that I feel like I have to learn how to feed and take care of my baby all over again.  And he has to learn how to feed again too and it's been hard on him and on his parents--he's never fed without me (besides solid food, of course, but that is still not nearly as important as milk right now).

So what happened; ah, that fateful day.  It was a  normal day to start.  He was in the midst of teething (hello 2 front teeth!), and having some trouble going to sleep for naps/night because he's standing but hasn't figured how to sit back down.  After a while, he finally fell asleep for his morning nap, slept well, and then when I got him up to feed him he turned away.  Weird, I thought, he should be hungry.  I keep trying every 30 minutes or so - but no interest, and much protesting.  That just continued on, all day. I got him to drink a little out of a cup, but he didn't like that very much.  I was so sure he would nurse before bed....but no go.  A few more sips from a cup, and when he got super upset with that, it was like..ok then...well.... I guess we just put him to bed?  We are talking 12 hours with maybe 1 oz of milk.  Maybe.

I was exhausted from trying to get him to nurse all day. Stressed. Worried for him. Frustrated.  Shocked. Stressed.

He slept pretty good--he woke up at 1am (very unusual for him, but hey, I couldn't blame him).  Screamed as soon I even hinted at nursing him.  Ok then. Took a few sips of milk from a cup...didn't want more.  Put him back to bed. By the time he woke up it had been 24 hours since he was last nursed.  Almost nothing to drink during that time,and I was starting to get very concerned about dehydration for the poor kid.

At 6:30 am the next morning, I decided we might as well try a bottle--though he's refused one since he was 4 months old.  Miraculously (Thank you, Jesus!), he took it right away and guzzled down a full bottle of pumped milk like he'd been doing it all his life.  That was such a relief for us for his health's sake!  The next few bottles didn't go quite as smoothly, but basically he starting drinking a couple or more ounces at each feeding.  The third day got better, and today he's done quite well, drinking more and more from the bottle at each feeding.

Still not nursing--not even the tiniest bit of interest; more like, screaming, throwing himself backwards, etc. Have I mentioned this has been stressful?  My entire body feels like it's been in a pressure cooker of stress the past 4 days, the tears are constantly close at hand, and at times I am feeling a huge sense of loss and grief.  It's been some of the hardest days of motherhood I've ever had.

Ok, it's been 'just' four days--there is a huge possibility he will start up again.  From what I've read, it is quite rare for a child to actually wean himself before a year, though nursing 'strikes' are quite common (and I think moms take it as the baby wants to wean and so do wean).  Andrew thinks Ezra will nurse again. I really doubt it.  He is a stubborn and determined little son, hasn't ever been one for comfort nursing--give me my milk and let's be done, Mommy!--and I'll not be surprised if Ezra will be one who likes to go against the flow in general.

Oh my sweet boy.  I miss our snuggles and sleepy moments together.  I miss knowing that no matter how upset you are, I will be the one who can calm you down.  I miss knowing that you need me, when you wake up, when you go to sleep, and the times in between.

And so we press on.  The learning never ends.  I will learn how to be the best mommy I can be to him without nursing him, to feed him however he needs, and to know that no matter what, my Lord Jesus is watching out for Ezra, for me, for our family, and that He loves us and knows what's best for us.  My prayer has been that whatever method of feeding is best for Ezra in the days to come will be what happens--be it through breastfeeding or formula and bottles.

But oh, my heart is still so sad for what may never be again.

I love you, sweet Ezra. You are such a joy in our life!

9 month old smiles

Beautiful Days

I have a unwritten goal of posting something each month. (And now it's written, I guess.) I'm a little shocked that May is already over, and I obviously didn't meet that goal last month...

June is also flying by with alarming speed.  Life and work are very full right now, each week more so than the last it seems, so I have not had much energy to write.

However, I have been struck frequently these last several weeks by how incredibly blessed I am by my children. Though our days together often feel long (we all celebrate when Daddy gets home from work each night!), the days are filled with beautiful moments that I treasure.

Moments such as:

When the house is a disaster, baby brother is in bed, and Daddy isn't home yet...what to do?
Put on some super cleaning capes, of course!

 *Isaiah gently kissing Ezra's head, wrapping his arms around him for a quick hug.

Brotherly love, zoned in on the last scenes of Thomas the Train.
(And no, my 8 month old baby does not normally watch TV!)

 *The slapping of little hands on the hardwood floor as Ezra crawls enthusiastically toward a desired object.  The things he's not supposed to touch bring him the most fun to pursue. :)

Mommy and Ezra - we love our ErgoBaby!
This kid spends alot of time in this thing as we chase around his big brother.

Finger food lovin'.

 *Ezra erupting in fits of uncontrollable giggling

*The thrill of discovery as Ezra figures out that a toy makes great noises

Rockin' Daddy's cap

 *The love of balls, sticks,and rocks--my firstborn baby has transformed into an active boy.

His first ride on his new push bike!  So much joy!

Daddy and Isaiah riding bikes together.

This kid looooves Raisin Bran!

Morning snuggle/soft lovey sharing ritual in Isaiah's bed.

Ezra riding Isaiah's truck. 

 *Isaiah's imagination.  Right now his favorite thing is to hear stories about "Pork Chop", the pink pig. (His daddy's creation....)

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*Little boys snuggling me on the couch while we read books.
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*Ezra's squeal of excitement to see Isaiah after E gets up from a nap.

*Isaiah's little voice leaving me messages on my phone while I'm working. "Moooom. Home. 'Ra, up. Eat."  (Mom, come home, Ezra's up, he's ready to eat!)


Sometimes the day drags on forreeeever.  Sometimes the house is filling with whiny kids and a grumpy mom.  Sometimes everything is chaotic with a kid whining for food, a baby screeching for food, and barely enough time to drink my coffee cold...again.

But it's okay.  The beautiful moments far outweigh the messy ones, and they transform each day into a beautiful one that the Lord has made.

Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Thoughts from Crayons

I was looking at some early crayon drawings that Isaiah and I did together in the summer before Ezra was born.  It was difficult to get him interested in coloring then, and I was thinking about how Ezra will probably take to it quickly because he'll be able to watch his big brother color.

Buddies!

Then the thought hit me: We will never again have our first child.

That thought kind of makes me happy.

The first child is great. I mean, really, really incredible.  You learn you can love a human being waaaay more than you ever thought possible. You learn what it means to actually live selflessly. You learn you don't actually need 7-8 hours of sleep a night to function.  You learn baby poop really isn't that scary....

But it's also hard. Really, really hard.  You forget what it's like to eat your supper warm.  You drag through more days than you care to on 3-4 hours of sleep.  You're left to learn how to take care of a helpless human being that is solely dependent on your care for survival.  You also learn you have no CLUE what to do with your first child in like ten zillion different situations. I remember desperately wishing these babies came with a personalized manual for operation.

For instance: During Isaiah's 'witching hour', which was actually intense crying from 5-9 pm for 2-3 weeks (oh, how we would have been glad for just one hour!), Andrew and I would take turns pouring over baby books, Google search, and baby blogs while the other one held our crying child, trying to figure out some way --any way--to help him stop crying. Those days felt like an eternity.  BUT, with our second child, we had the sweet assurance that YES, it is a phase, YES, it will pass, and YES, we will survive.  Combine that knowledge along with our hard-won parenting experience, and we somehow managed to skirt around Ezra's short-lived 'witching hour' with a whole lot more grace and finesse.

For instance #2: Feeding Isaiah solids was incredibly intimidating to me.  As in, paralyzed-into-inactivity intimidating. (That was alot of 'in's in one sentence, by the way.) It's a small miracle he even got to eat some solids before he was like 10 months old.

Ezra? Meh...bake some fruit or veggies in my super toaster oven, whip them up in the blender, and presto!  Give that kid some food! One day I decided to start with Ezra's first food and just did it.  No agonizing over what food should be first, or how much to give, or what consistency to make it, etc. etc. It was quick and--dare I say it?--easy.  And even kind of fun.

Isaiah's first food--instant baby brown rice cereal. Ezra's first food - avocado.  I actually don't think that sweet son #2 is going to ever see a bowl of rice cereal in front of him, and that's just fine with me.  I have learned enough with my first child that we will simply forge ahead into the exciting world of whole foods and flavorful combinations with my second child.  I can relax because I now have confidence that there is not one 'right' way to start solid foods--just as there is never one 'right' way in a host of other child-rearing decisions that parents must make.

Many of the decisions I poured over with Isaiah now come semi-easily with Ezra.  A surprising amount of information got lost in the sleep-deprived newborn months of Isaiah, but usually a little refresher is all it takes to make some kind of decision.  And without so much stress of "What if I get it wrong?". Because though we definitely screw it up sometimes, these babies of ours are resilient.  :)

Resilient, wonderful, incredibly precious, and so totally worth it.

a full lap!

Check out my two bottom teeth!

Ezra rocking a cap

Isaiah and Andrew making Saturday morning pancakes

Snowman building

Tummy time on Daddy's legs

Our friend Emilee took a few shots of our family for Easter. They were great!

Brotherly love

I love Ezra's expression here! "mischievous little brother"

The Dusing family, Easter 2014

Savor the Moments; Part 2

Ezra, 6 months; Isaiah, 27 months

The past six months have been filled with mountains of joy and valleys of tears.  Some ladies and I recently went through Beth Moore's study Stepping Up, A journey through the Psalms of Ascent; I've referenced this study before in my post on Ezra's birth.  I'm reminded now of one of the Psalms we covered, when a day was spent talking about Psalm 126: 5-6. "Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping carrying seed to sow will return with songs of joy carrying sheaves with them."

One thing said in that day was - "I need to know I'll never endure a season of tears that can't turn into a harvest of joy."  That, along with these verses, really resonated with me in a time when my day was filled with lots of tears, whether it be my own, Ezra's, or Isaiah's.  The Lord's promises to return a harvest of joy from my tears was so very encouraging.  And now, I am blessed to be experiencing it.

I have sown in tears time and time again during the past 1/2 year, coming out of the weeks of lack of sleep, concern for Ezra's health, boredom of being cooped up indoors (hello, Quebec winter!), being constantly hungry because I can't figure out what to eat on my (Ezra's) food restrictions, and figuring out how to take care of two kids.

The budding season of spring has brought the time to begin reaping songs of joy.  Ezra's intestine is on the mend, we are enjoying eating meals all together as Ezra starts solids, watching the boys begin to play together, and enjoying Isaiah's recent and enormous developments in speech, concepts, and imagination.  We are having many more times of joy and fun, and less of chaos and meltdowns.  It's the little moments throughout the days that leave Andrew and I looking at each other with amazement at how much we love our children, and our little family.

I am so very thankful for my boys.

morning pajama snuggles!

Here are just a very few of Ezra's 'moments' - little man, you melt Mommy's heart! The enormity of love I feel for you astounds me. In no particular order...a few of the beautiful smiles we get to witness every day.

4 months

This kid loves the adrenaline rush already!

Best Gift Ever! 11 weeks old

8 weeks old

Avocado - yum!

This kid is too skinny for the bumbo....

oh yeah, tummy time is fun!

deep thinker

We love to hang out together!

Death grip on Daddy's hair - 1st time on Daddy's shoulders!

5 3/4 months

6 months!

Can't wait for the next 6 months of this little man's life - what a treasure he is to us!