There are some days in life that seem to define periods of time--the before, and the after. While as time passes, this will probably not be that momentous in the grand scheme of life, but for now, Thursday July 24th, is that defining day.
The day of when before Ezra was nursing, and the after of when he wasn't.
I didn't think I was so attached to our nursing relationship...turns out I was wrong.
I feel like I am grieving the loss of something beautiful and precious. It has not been an easy road with him and his digestive problems earlier on, and the perseverance and love put into nursing him has made it very valuable to me.
Right now I don't know how to be Ezra's mommy without nursing him. It's scary. It's intimidating. Bottles and pumping and formula are all so rarely (if ever) used in our house that I feel like I have to learn how to feed and take care of my baby all over again. And he has to learn how to feed again too and it's been hard on him and on his parents--he's never fed without me (besides solid food, of course, but that is still not nearly as important as milk right now).
So what happened; ah, that fateful day. It was a normal day to start. He was in the midst of teething (hello 2 front teeth!), and having some trouble going to sleep for naps/night because he's standing but hasn't figured how to sit back down. After a while, he finally fell asleep for his morning nap, slept well, and then when I got him up to feed him he turned away. Weird, I thought, he should be hungry. I keep trying every 30 minutes or so - but no interest, and much protesting. That just continued on, all day. I got him to drink a little out of a cup, but he didn't like that very much. I was so sure he would nurse before bed....but no go. A few more sips from a cup, and when he got super upset with that, it was like..ok then...well.... I guess we just put him to bed? We are talking 12 hours with maybe 1 oz of milk. Maybe.
I was exhausted from trying to get him to nurse all day. Stressed. Worried for him. Frustrated. Shocked. Stressed.
He slept pretty good--he woke up at 1am (very unusual for him, but hey, I couldn't blame him). Screamed as soon I even hinted at nursing him. Ok then. Took a few sips of milk from a cup...didn't want more. Put him back to bed. By the time he woke up it had been 24 hours since he was last nursed. Almost nothing to drink during that time,and I was starting to get very concerned about dehydration for the poor kid.
At 6:30 am the next morning, I decided we might as well try a bottle--though he's refused one since he was 4 months old. Miraculously (Thank you, Jesus!), he took it right away and guzzled down a full bottle of pumped milk like he'd been doing it all his life. That was such a relief for us for his health's sake! The next few bottles didn't go quite as smoothly, but basically he starting drinking a couple or more ounces at each feeding. The third day got better, and today he's done quite well, drinking more and more from the bottle at each feeding.
Still not nursing--not even the tiniest bit of interest; more like, screaming, throwing himself backwards, etc. Have I mentioned this has been stressful? My entire body feels like it's been in a pressure cooker of stress the past 4 days, the tears are constantly close at hand, and at times I am feeling a huge sense of loss and grief. It's been some of the hardest days of motherhood I've ever had.
Ok, it's been 'just' four days--there is a huge possibility he will start up again. From what I've read, it is quite rare for a child to actually wean himself before a year, though nursing 'strikes' are quite common (and I think moms take it as the baby wants to wean and so do wean). Andrew thinks Ezra will nurse again. I really doubt it. He is a stubborn and determined little son, hasn't ever been one for comfort nursing--give me my milk and let's be done, Mommy!--and I'll not be surprised if Ezra will be one who likes to go against the flow in general.
Oh my sweet boy. I miss our snuggles and sleepy moments together. I miss knowing that no matter how upset you are, I will be the one who can calm you down. I miss knowing that you need me, when you wake up, when you go to sleep, and the times in between.
And so we press on. The learning never ends. I will learn how to be the best mommy I can be to him without nursing him, to feed him however he needs, and to know that no matter what, my Lord Jesus is watching out for Ezra, for me, for our family, and that He loves us and knows what's best for us. My prayer has been that whatever method of feeding is best for Ezra in the days to come will be what happens--be it through breastfeeding or formula and bottles.
But oh, my heart is still so sad for what may never be again.
I love you, sweet Ezra. You are such a joy in our life!
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| 9 month old smiles |
