When I first started this blog, my goal was to be honest in my writing --with myself and with others. After all, what's the point of writing for 'therapy' if I don't even tell it to myself straight?
So here it is--a day of my mommy-hood journey that I hope is not repeated.
Today was/is a bad day. Not with Ezra, not with Isaiah, but with me....in my head. Today was one of the first days I truly didn't feel like being a mom. It had nothing to do with my sweet children--whom I never once will ever wish were not here. It was just me.
Me being tired - physically, emotionally, and mentally. Tired of changing poopy diapers. Tired of coloring. Tired of reading Winnie the Pooh. Tired of trying to convince my newborn that a feeding needs to be more than 5 minutes from one side. Tired of playing with balls, and cars, and trucks. Tired of repeating myself. Tired of this slow cesarean recovery. Tired of the post-baby weight. Tired of all the messiness that recovering from pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding involves. Tired of being tired.
Tired of a routine that today seems very, very mundane.
I dwelt on the winter months looming in front of me, the small room my toddler, baby, and I will spend the majority of our days in, and panicked. I thought about how many years I will need to continue with the poopy diapers, the coloring, the reading of Winnie the Pooh, the trucks, balls, and constant direction to my growing children....and felt desperation.
Today each hour of taking care of my children felt more like a duty than a privilege.
There have been lots of tears today.
Moments of hopelessness mixed with guilt that I even dare have these feelings.
Tonight I pray that tomorrow being a mommy to my precious babes will not be a duty, but a joy once again.
That I will dwell in the rich promises of Christ, not in the deception of the evil one.
That I will walk forward knowing that Christ will sustain me, and that He will give me the strength and love I need to raise these beautiful boys.
Oh, and they are so beautiful.
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| Ezra, 4 weeks old |
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| Morning snuggles (Isaiah 22 months, Ezra 3 weeks) |
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| Isaiah loves his little brother! |
