The Weaning

April 28th was a big day for our family.   Around 10:30 that night, right before bed, I pondered the past 15 months--with all the struggles, the tears, the triumphs, the joys, and the snuggles....and cried.  It was over.  All that we had fought for, all that we had accomplished and succeeded in, was over. We had done it, and that part of our life as mother and son would never again be experienced.

I didn't really think I would be this sad about weaning Isaiah.  Since the early weeks of this current pregnancy, nursing has again been uncomfortable at best, painful at worst.  Isaiah didn't seem too attached (no pun intended) to his daily nursing routine, and I was getting less and less so as the discomfort persisted.  Thoughts of a several month break between nursing children sounded great, as well as the rising hope for a couple Andrew-and-Lisa-only get-aways before the second baby comes.

I thought to take it slow - dropping one feeding a week, which would take four weeks.  Week 1 & 2 went great, and only the wake-up and going to bed feedings were left. A few days in to week 3, reading books or playing with Daddy became way more interesting than nursing with Mommy.  Perhaps my milk dried up too, in the process, for one day Isaiah took one try, looked at me funny, and wanted to get up.  'All done', he signed insistently.  And that was the end. All done.

It was weird the range of emotions I experienced.  Relief - I no longer need to be there for my son before he goes to bed, or when he gets up (as he still wasn't drinking milk from any other source...).  Sadness - was I really ready for this?  I will miss our time to sit together quietly and snuggle. It feels like he doesn't need me quite as much anymore. Pride - for the rough and rocky beginning that it was, we made it one day shy of 16 months.  Fear - on a small degree, as I realized that 'needing to nurse Isaiah before bed' has been a good way out of things I didn't want to do sometimes. Now that is excuse is gone. :)

These feelings caught me off guard because I know many moms who had no qualms about weaning, felt no sadness whatsoever, and didn't see it as a big event in general.  I thought I may be same--nope.

Life goes on, however, and so we continue in our quest to get Isaiah to drink milk.  For a few different reasons, we have started him on goat's milk.  He doesn't mind it, but I think he would just as rather have water most of the time. Apart from nursing though, he hasn't ever just sat and drank milk out of a bottle (or sippy cup now), so the idea is foreign to him...and he is usually too impatient to take more than a few sips at a time.  Thankfully I have read many places and been assured by some experienced mothers that milk really isn't necessary at this age, as long as they are getting their calcium and vitamins from other sources.  We work towards that end.

Why nurse when I can play?  My big, busy, 16 month old!

Rocks are awesome!

Getting in some morning reading

Learning how to kick a ball! 

Expansion of Hearts and Bellies

I'm pretty sure that everyone who would read this blog already knows the big news of the Dusing family, but in case you missed it:

We are having another baby!  Yup, I am 17 weeks pregnant with our second one-of-a-kind Andrew/Lisa combo.  This sweet little bundle of love is due the last week of September, and we will find out in a mere two weeks the gender!  We are so excited about this addition to our family, and I can't wait for Isaiah to be a big brother.

This second pregnancy has been different for me in many ways already than the first, and although I haven't pondered it too deeply, I have been surprised about my lack of eagerness to put the news on our blogs.  Why? I have no idea. Perhaps some news is better kept closer to home for a while. ?

Anyway, I thought it'd be fun to write down a few of these pregnancy differences.

      -Morning sickness:  With Isaiah, there were a few weeks of nausea, but not too bad, and best dealt with by eating and snacking pretty much all the day.  If I got hungry, I was on the verge of puking instantaneously. With Baby #2, it was the same, except on a heightened scale, and also accompanied by a general feeling of un-wellness and yuckiness that plagued me throughout the days.  It's not often that I don't feel good, so these few weeks were pretty miserable to me. It started around week 7 and ended around week 11 or so.  While I don't feel nauseous much anymore, there are still plenty of foods which I usually enjoy, that remain undesirable to me during this pregnancy--such as foods with strong garlic tastes, most kinds of cooked potato, and ground beef in almost any form.
 
     -My Growing Belly: With Isaiah, I could not WAIT to get a baby belly!   I was proud of my teeny little bump, and was anxious to highlight it's growth each week.  I didn't mind the upward climb of the scale either, because it was all about the baby.  With Baby #2, I have NOT been excited about getting a baby belly (and gaining baby weight in general).  I know this is because for several months I had been working out faithfully trying to get rid of all the extra and unnecessary weight I gained with Isaiah, and I had not yet reached my goals.  Therefore, gaining baby weight means, once again, not fitting into my clothes, and, once again, facing the expansion of my belly and multiple other parts of my body.
    I am determined to gain a normal-to-low amount this time around, but am still faced with the doubts about my self-control that stem from my first experience.  Somehow, it seems like being pregnant should let you eat as much as you want whenever you want. Ha!  Bad information, people, unless all you want are fresh fruit and vegetables.  Somehow my pregnancy cravings included more words like cool and creamy, melty, gooey,and buttery, rather than fresh, raw, or crunchy.
    I am encouraged that I am on the right track thus far, and intend to remain so.  If only I could get Andrew to give up his 8:30/9:30pm super snack/second supper, maybe the temptation would lessen....haha. :)

-Counting the Days:  My, oh my, did the days and week of the first pregnancy drag on forever!  We were waiting for this impending date-of-birth that we would knew would radically change our lives forever--we just didn't really know how.  It was both exciting and nerve-wracking as we faced this unknown thing called parenthood. Each week was spent reading on how our baby was growing, changing, developing, and moving, spreading the news among our friends and family that the baby was now the size of a blueberry! a grape! a lemon! an avocado! a mango! an onion! a cantaloupe!...and so on and so forth.
  The development of form and life which is happening inside me right now is no less incredible and miraculous this time than the last. I continue to enjoy my weekly emails from BabyCenter, "Your Pregnancy: Week __ ", and I usually remember to share the details of what's happening with Baby this week with Andrew, but that's about it.
  It seems like this pregnancy is speeding by, and I'm pretty sure it's because we are already busy with and enjoying Isaiah.  We are not waiting for parenthood to come upon us, we are in the midst of it--with all the ups, downs, joys, frustrations, and uncertainty that come with raising a pre-toddler who is developing a mind of his own. We know that Baby #2 will once again change our lives, but the radical part of going from not being parents to being parents has already happened, and that is a huge step.

-The Knowledge of Love:  The first time I held Isaiah, I knew that I loved him--in my head. I mean, I had loved him the whole time he was developing in my womb, but it was strange loving someone that I had never seen or known before.  So when he was born, I loved him, but the emotional connection to him in my heart did not come in the instant I laid eyes upon him.  He was ours, and we loved him, but he was also this complete stranger--whom we were solely responsible for...We didn't know him or what he liked or disliked, how he liked to be held, or any of it.  The first couple of days felt like we were (must be!) taking care of someone else's baby. (I mean, how fast does the reality of parenthood really sink in for any first-time parents?!)  The emotional connection came after a day or two, and with it a love so big I could scarcely comprehend it; after all, how was it possible to love someone so small so much?
   This time, even though the little person growing inside of me will be a 'stranger' at the beginning like Isaiah was, I now know the love a mother has for her child, and I know my heart will expand to love this second baby just as much as Isaiah. It will be a love that will not take from the other, but a love that will give both child their own full measure.
 
How can I understand the fullness of love God has for me?  I know I cannot every fully grasp it, but having a child has given me a glimpse into the vastness of the Father's love for me--His child.  What a gift that is!

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3: 17b-19

On a final note...
The first week of April we enjoyed a week's vacation to Capernwray Harbour on Thetis Island in British Columbia. We had a great time hanging out with friends, and enjoying the beautiful property and green grass!

Oh you know...just reading a book like a big boy after a bath.

Watching the cows in the field...Isaiah's favorite activity of the trip

Fun with Mommy at the park.

Laughing in the Ergo on a hike

Bravely petting Smoochie, the resident llama.