Mommy, or Me? Whom shall I be?

On Saturday afternoon I had the wonderful (and impromptu!) opportunity to go snowboarding with a friend.  I hadn't been snowboarding for 2 years, and it was wonderful.  Wonderful to be on the hill, wonderful to feel the wind against my face, to gaze out over a forested, snowy horizon, and wonderful to be doing something fun that I love, without my little son in tow.

It was something I love, but yet it felt foreign to me. Why? Because it was a part of me that has gone 'unused' for a long, long time. It's the part that longs for adventure, for spontaneity, for freedom from the mundaneness of the day to day.

Carving down the side of a mountain with the wind whistling in my ears felt like freedom.  It felt like finding a passion of mine I'd lost. It felt like hope--that I can be a mommy and yet still be me. Sometimes like it feels like the Mommy and the Me have melded together--maybe they are supposed to? I don't know.

 In my observations the past several years, I have seen three kinds of moms:
    Number one is the mom who rarely lets her kid(s) stop her from doing anything that she wants to do.  She'll vacation, shop, work, play, and entertain, regardless of whether her children are with her or not.  She keeps herself put-together and knows what's going on in the world of fashion.  This mom often employs a regular babysitter or nanny to help her raise her children, for of course many of the activities she wants to do are often not great with kids in tow.  This mom is also a pro are carting her kids around for activities, and the kids are used to being on-the-go.
   Number two is the mom who is completely and solely focused on her children--usually to her own detriment.  She often looks worn down and unkempt, and often gets frazzled.  It has many months (or years) since she went out without the kids for a date with her husband, or a weekend getaway, or a girl's day at the spa.  If you ask her what hobbies she has, she'll look puzzled and try to think back to what she liked to do before kids. It's too much work to get out, so she and the kids don't do many different activities.  The kids are so attached to mom that leaving them with a sitter is a nightmare because they'll cry almost the whole time.
  Number three is the mom who seems more balanced.  Perhaps she works, either full or part-time, but still delights in spending time with her children.  If she doesn't work, she makes an effort to get out of the house, keep in touch with friends, and realizes the value of taking some time for herself.  This mom you would see at  an evening party, or a weekend conference, yet she chooses her activities with care, and is willing to sacrifice  activities to be with her children.

I know women who fit into all three categories, and I would love to be the type of number three mom.  I'm pretty sure I'll never be a type 1, as that just isn't my personality, but I think if I'm not careful I could end up stuck in type 2.

Why?  Well, for starters, being as my son wouldn't take a bottle, he is almost 13 months and I have personally fed him every meal he has ever eaten.  If I think about that statement too much, it feels depressing!!!  It was right around his first birthday that I started to think, "Ok, this is starting to feel long." There have been many activities, outings, and events that have come and gone because they don't fit into a 4 hour window between Isaiah's feedings.  I know that being an hour or more away from the city has also added to the difficulty, but anyway, at times it has been hard.  I am very thankful to have a husband who encourages me and will stay home so I can get out and about when an opportunity works!  He is wonderful!
   I also know many women wean right at one year so they can get out more, and it would be perfectly fine for us to do so now.  Even so, I'm in no hurry to wean Isaiah--I don't think either of us are quite ready yet. :)

So all that to say, my afternoon of snowboarding reminded me that I don't have to give up on the things I once loved, now that I have a son who I love more than any hobby.  I can still pursue hobbies, still learn new things and still experience new adventures. However, if I don't make the effort to pursue those things, it will be easy to let 'mommyhood' totally take over, and I will soon end up with a puzzled look on my face, wondering, "What ever did I like to do before I had kids?"

On a different note, once Isaiah recovered from his sickness (he ended up having Roseola, a common baby virus), we have enjoyed a good two weeks of beautiful sleep.  We're talking 11-12 hrs solid each night, with 2 naps a day averaging 1 hr 45 min each, often extending to the 2hr point. Glory, hallelujah!  He has not slept for so well, for so long, his entire life!  It's been marvellous.

He has another little bug now, but we're hoping that it won't extend past the cold stage.  Here are a few pictures from the last couple weeks.

Cheerios always make for a fun time!

Playing the guitar with Daddy.

His first haircut. *sniff*  He looked super cute in Daddy's old tye-dye shirt though.

My sweet boy. How I love his smile!

Sickness

Wow, what a week it has been. Long days, short nights.  Feelings of helplessness, frustration, compassion, and concern.   Memories of the early days with a newborn come flooding back!














This morning was reminiscence of the three or so terrible weeks (from about 3-5 weeks of age) when Isaiah would cry for 3-4 hours every night, for no apparent reason, from between 5-9pm.  It was long, it was frustrating, and it was awful.  Today Isaiah cried for about an hour straight after he got up from his nap.  He would be momentarily distracted, but nothing really seemed to help.  It is so unusual for my normally cheerful son to be that way, but I just couldn't find a way to keep him happy.

Here are a few pictures from our week:

When you're sick sometimes it just takes too much effort to stand up.

Miserable and sick.

Lots of snuggles with Mommy and Daddy.

It's good to stay warm when you're sick. And eat Cheerios.

Cute in Daddy's beanie.

We're pretty certain he has Roseola, a common virus among children 6 months - 3 years old.  Classic symptoms he's had: vomiting, diarrhea, high fever for 2-4 days, poor appetite, irritable, tired, and a runny nose, plus the tell-tale rash.  He woke up this morning without a fever for the first time since Friday (yay!), only for us to discover 5 minutes later the red rash covering his torso, back, and creeping up onto his neck/face.  It's not supposed to be uncomfortable, but boy oh boy, he is still miserable.  Oh, and he *may* have a molar coming in on the bottom, which isn't helping if it's true.

During this week of sickness we've also seen some very toddler-like tantrums appear. SCARY.  I mean, we know he feels awful, but it's also hard knowing that many more of these tantrums will come our way in the too-near future.

This week, being a mommy is exhausting.

I will keep praying for patience, keep holding my clingy, crying, 23 lb baby (as I've done for the bulk of his waking hours during this week.  Fortunately I should be developing my biceps!), and keep praying that my poor sweet little boy will feel better soon.

The One Year Wonder

Our little son is one year old now!

Happy 1st Birthday!

This year went by in the blink of an eye, and yet parts of it felt forever long.  Andrew and I both did a tremendous amount of learning this year, and I am full of thankfulness as I look back and see the Lord's hand faithfully guiding us through each step of the parenting way.


We got to spend Isaiah's first Christmas, and first birthday, with our families in South Dakota, which was also a great blessing.  Isaiah and his cousin Brody (only 10 days apart!) had a great time 'playing' together...they were super cute to watch!

Isaiah and Brody at their birthday party, about to eat cake for the first time!

My family: Sister Michelle with husband Jed and kids Mikaela and Brody, and my  Mom and Dad.

Bath fun with Brody!

Isaiah is sick right now.  He got a fever on the day we flew back to Canada, and was miserably sick the next two nights.  Yesterday we thought he was in the clear, as he slept great, his fever was gone, and his nose seemed less stuffy.  Not so.  Now he has another (and higher) fever, plus diarrhea.  Poor little guy!  He is quite mellow and tired.

Of course, we, as the new parents who have virtually no experience with a sick child, have been concerned. Where we live it is difficult to see a doctor or to get into the ER without a 6-18 hour wait (yes, really), and so sickness scares me more because I feel like it'd be so difficult to get quick care for Isaiah if he were really ill.  The second night we were home, Isaiah seemed really sick, and I thought about what it would be like to lose him.

I have thought many times this year about how with great love, joy, and gladness comes the potential for great pain, sorrow, and suffering. I never thought I would--or could--love my child with the kind of love I have for him now.  I have learned that I often need to come back before the Lord, submitting Isaiah to His care and to His plan, and to be thankful for whatever time the Lord allows us to be with Isaiah.

A year and a week ago I had no clue what parenting would be like, or how our life would change with a baby.  Now I can barely remember what life was like without him.

Fun with Mommy!

What a tremendous gift he is to us!  Happy Birthday, my sweet son.

 You are loved.