How do you like...?

In the past month the question I've been asked most often is: "So, how do you like being a mom?" The question is usually posed with a huge smile on his/her face, followed with the same-every-time expectant look. Without a doubt, I know the answer I'm supposed to give is an equally large smile and an "Oh my goodness, being a mom is so amazing!" kind of peppy answer.

I don't like answering questions that come with a predetermined and expected answer. They make me feel grumpy. And stubborn. And annoyed that I'm supposed to say what they want to hear. So, regardless of how I'm actually feeling at the time, I usually offer a small smile and 'yeah it's pretty cool' answer back, just to satisfy their expectation, yet not give in too much.

The thing is, in the first few weeks I'm not sure I could honestly say I was loving being a mom. The exhaustion, dissatisfaction with my labor experience and recovery, plus the 4 weeks of constant pain from breastfeeding complications probably contributed to this slow uncertainty. My love for Isaiah hasn't been diminished by these things--I love him more than I thought was possible--but being a mom hasn't come with the feelings of giddiness and bliss I too expected. It's been overwhelming, stressful, challenging, exhausting, full of uncertainty. It's been exciting, full of wonder at this new little human, rewarding, and wonderful.

How do I like being a mom? I love it. Not in a perky "wow this is so awesome" way, but deep in the quiet of my heart and soul is a peaceful joy, and the knowledge that I would do anything for my son. A stillness that reigns in my heart after he's been crying and crying and I tell him I will hold him as long as he needs me too, forever and always. A love so big when I look at his sweet little face I wonder how my heart can hold it all.

I love being a mom - actually, I love being Isaiah's mom. I just might need a few more months before I can beam a huge smile at you and say, "Oh my goodness, being a mom is the best thing ever!" But it's coming, just you wait.

New Year, New Me, New Job

As the new year has rolled around, alot has come with it that is new: for us, mainly, is our son, Isaiah Benjamin Dusing. Just after he was born, the song from Cinderella that goes, "So this is love, da da da da, so this is love...." stuck in my head for a while. A new little human, a new life, a precious gift from God -- to us. And now we are charged, as his parents, to take care of him. Yikes.

With a new child, it means that I have a new full-time job. Being a mom. I'm leaving my 'career' (if you can call it that...it's a big of a stretch) in cooking behind, and walking into something totally new, foreign, and substantially more stressful--yet with much more joyful and rewarding moments.

In the transition, one month in, I've had good days and bad days. Bad days when I'm struggling with the notion that my main focus in life now is this little being, my son. Good days when all I want to do is gaze at his sweet little face, kiss his cheeks, and snuggle with him all day long, for he is sooo precious.

So, I thought in order to help me process this new role, especially for the bad days at first, a place such as this where I can write about it would help. I want it to be an honest blog, which since I have a tendancy to sugar coat things might be more difficult than I think. I want to be real with my emotions and what I'm thinking and feeling. So, read if you wish, ignore if you wish. Take what you want and leave the rest. This is just me, learning to be a mommy.